Despite my stupid title for this review, Uncut Gems is a fantastically well made movie. I’m not sure if I “liked” it exactly, because it’s hard to like anything that beats you up and leaves you bleeding and naked in the trunk of a car. It’s 2 hours and 15 minutes of some of the most frantic, stressful, emotionally manipulative filmmaking that I have ever experienced, and now it’s 2 am and I’m UP because I have been mildly traumatized and my fight or flight reflex is still unwilling to deactivate. So maybe I love it?

With it’s hyper-up-close shooting style and aggressively too-loud soundtrack, Uncut Gems is essentially one big chase scene where the main character is in an endless tunnel desperate trying to outrun a boulder of his own bad decisions. Imagine not knowing if Indiana Jones gets crushed or not for over TWO HOURS. By the last 10 minutes of the movie I was plugging my ears and watching through the filter of my sweater the way I do when I’m waiting for a jump scare in a horror movie because they’d been waving Chekov’s goddamn gun around for so long I knew I could not emotionally handle the inevitable BOOM.

*insert 7 hours of sleep here*

For whatever reason, Uncut Gems isn’t showing up on many Best Picture prediction lists. I could insert a Seinfeldian “what’s the deal with” monologue about it here, but we know exactly what the deal is. Say it with me again… The Academy is old. The Academy is white. The Academy has really bad taste. I know the Safdie brothers are young and weird and the movie is a symphony of F-bombs, but there’s also something about it that feels legitimately fresh, and it’s a real bummer that the critics aren’t giving it the Oscar buzz that it deserves.

But let’s talk about Adam Sandler

Even more confoundingly so, the thing that IS getting Oscar buzz is Adam Sandler. Let me state for the record that I frequently enjoy Adam Sandler and will 100% give him props for commitment to a role that took way more stamina than the average 50+ comedian can generally muster. The yelling! The running! The straight up FREAKING OUT! He brought it all to the table, and he should be applauded for that. Can you give someone an Oscar for just not going into cardiac arrest in the middle of a clearly emotionally and physically punishing film shoot? If so, proceed.

On my way home from the movie I made a joke about Kevin Garnett’s star turn, and my husband came back with “yeah, he didn’t have to act either.” And he’s right. Howard Ratner isn’t as much of a stretch or a departure for Adam Sandler as the critics want you to believe. The MOVIE is the departure for Adam Sandler, but the acting is the same-old Sandler tuned to a different frequency. And it’s great casting, and it totally works, but if you can’t feel the the Happy Gilmore “ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME” energy here, then I don’t think you know what acting actually looks like.

Much like the Julia Robertses before him, Adam Sandler has a thing that he does/way that he is that people really love. You can put it in different costumes, send it to different locations and time periods, and change the tone from happy to sad – but it’s still the same thing. Adam Sandler knows how to flip his shit in any given setting (see also the Punch Drunk Love pudding incident), but the award for me goes to the Safdi Brothers for realizing how great he would be as this character. Sorry, Adam! Just kidding, you’re worth $420 million and I don’t feel bad for you at all.

I give Uncut Gems a 15% chance of nomination due to the Sandler-factor, but I just don’t think that the Academy farts will be able to see the genius in this one.

UPDATE: Snubbed. I’m reasonably furious.