Let’s be straight up here – I don’t love Cats the musical. In fact, I blanketly hate ALL Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. This is mostly thanks to my older sister who mainlined ALL the ALW throughout late 80s and early 90s, and who subjected me to them on continuous loop via the very thin wall separating our childhood bedrooms. She has since (mostly)  recanted this devotion, but the damage is done. HOWEVER, as much as I despise ALW, I do love a big, splashy, high-budget mess of a movie that is destined for spectacular failure. And much like the rest of the world, I entered into the cinematic Cats experience with the objective of basking in the warm glow of someone throwing cat ears on the Hindenburg. I was not disappointed.

Yes, Cats the movie is not good

Yes, you will Google “WTF is a Jellicle Cat” during the opening number and you will be disappointed and still ultimately confused by the answer.

Yes, this is absolutely T.S. Eliot’s fault and I hope he feels bad about it from beyond the grave.

And yes, Cats is completely plotless and all over the road like a story told by an overexcited toddler while trying to ride a bike for the first time.

But no, I’m not going to spend (too much) time trashing it in hopes of ending up on a Buzzfeed listicle of savage Cats tweets. Everything mean that can be said about Cats has already been said a thousand times in a thousand different ways. What I want to do here is solve the mystery of why this roster of A-list performers all doubled down on a movie that everyone knew the whole time was destined to be humiliating.

Here’s what you’re forgetting

On my way up the elevator a few days ago, I got into a conversation with a coworker about Cats that ended with him yelling “NOOOOOOOOOO, NOT IDRIS ELBA –  HE WAS PERFECT!” and then walking away. I too have never been more second-hand embarrassed for so many people simultaneously for such an extended period of time – and I could physically feel Idris plummeting in rank from my “Celebrities I’d Like to Fuck” list the minute he disrobed from his Macavity the Mystery Cat (not made up) trenchcoat. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN TO GOOD (and also hot) ACTORS?

Check the math

Although I was not able to unearth any photographic evidence, I am positive that Idris Elba has participated in at least one unfortunate production of Oliver! staged in a high school cafetorium. Confirmed by his Wikipedia page, our Mystery Cat started doing plays in high school which means that however white his teeth or pristine his bone structure (and it IS pristine), he is 100% guaranteed to be a theatre geek. And (I speak from experience), it isn’t a stink that ever wears off.

If you grew up belting along with (original cast) Phantom in your bedroom or practicing your Tony award acceptance speech in the bathroom mirror – it might also seem like a DREAM COME TRUE when an Academy Award winning (also drama nerd) director asks you to play the role of Rum Tum Tugger (also not made up) in a fabulous cinematic adaptation of your favorite ALW musical. In fact, it’s the role you’ve been waiting to play your whole career. Being a good actor in no way precludes you from having shitty taste in musicals. And as a person who once jumped at the chance to play Mr. Bumble opposite my sister in an extremely ill-advised cafetorium production of Oliver!, I totally get it. 

Cats is just a bad high school play with a really big budget – and that makes it sort of forgivable. It’s a joyful failure – the glossy CGI sequel to Waiting for Guffman that we’ve been waiting for. 

Before it’s release, Cats showed up on a variety of Oscar prediction lists – although I suspect its chances have plummeted precipitously since then. I give it about a 5% chance of nomination mostly because I know how hard they tried. Plus, but I bet they all had a super good time together at Denny’s after curtain call.

UPDATE: Can we really even call this a snub?